Fifty Shades of Twilight

I wrote this post a long time ago…. but I still meant what I said.

So I was bored over the weekend and was all out of my apple ale liquor so I was “Well fuck… how am I going to kill time?” so my only options were either masturbate or use illegal streams to watch the 50 Shades of Grey movie. So I picked the 50 Shades movie option and I will honestly say that in retrospect I should have masturbated because that option would have left me happy and satisfied… 50 Shades of Grey just left me disappointed a pissed off. Seriously this movie was terrible, boring and baffling that it made as much money as it did.

When I heard this movie was coming out I debated on watching this since I have a podcast show and I wanted to talk about it but seeing virtually the entire BDSM community shit on this movie I was leaning towards not watching it… but the curiosity got the best of me and I watched it and now my cat is dead. Now rather than to just say “IT SUCKED!” and leave it at that the writer in me wanted to break down why I hated this movie so I can purge this hatred out of my body.

1. Horrible Casting Choice – The actors they picked to play the characters on screen were horrible picks. I saw virtually no chemistry between Dakota Johnson and whatever the lead dude name was… I’m not looking up his name fuck him. It was like they were emotionless when delivering their lines. Robert Downey Jr., Ben Affleck, Matt Damon, Charlie Hunnam, Charlie Sheen or anybody else in Hollywood would have been better picks than what we had on screen. As for Dakota Johnson she could have been easily replaced by Anne Hathaway and would have been better in the role. Have bland boring actors and actress to play in a movie that supposed to be sexy and grimey and you’ll get shitty results.

2. Christian Grey Is a Horrible Character – Maybe I’m too used to Bruce Wayne and Tony Stark and James Bond and other playboy billionaire types on TV and movies but Christian Grey was the most bland ass rich bachelor I’ve ever seen. Dude never seem like he was really interested in the main actress, there was no glimmer in his eyes or anything to indicate his interest in her… well other than the stalking. Why was dude stalking her? I haven’t seen creepiness like that since I’ve watched American Psycho… a movie that was actually good.

Then there was his “BDSM Room” in which had to be the most vanilla dungeon I’ve seen. I’ve been to a few dungeons in my time and Christian’s was meh at best which I can say the same thing about his BDSM play… it was mainly just tying her up, yelling at her and hitting her with a belt which is kind of basic intro BDSM to me yet they try to portray it as “dark, sick and twisted” for some damn reason… then again I shouldn’t have expect vanillas who wrote the script to get more hardcore than that.

3. Anastasia Never Had Curiosity – It would have been cool had they had Anastasia actually show some interest in the BDSM lifestyle once it was introduced to her but she never was. She just went along with it because… well just because. That whole movie she had the “I really don’t want to… let’s just read a book together” type of mentally… boring. It would have been cool had she had grown a taste for the BDSM lifestyle and wanted to develop it slow while Mr. Grey wanted to go hardcore all the time which would lead to conflict between the two that would have made sense, instead she was like “whatever” though the whole thing.

4. No research Was Done For This – Hollywood actually had the chance to make this a proper BDSM movie by doing a little research and hire a couple of dominatrixes for the do’s and don’ts of the lifestyle but no they blew it and went with some vanilla fantasy bullshit. Too much hype for this movie for them to show the snooze fest that they made. Why is the “Secretary” the only mainstream movie when it comes to BDSM that they got somewhat right? I’m not saying there should be more BDSM movies but for the few that are out there they should be done correctly.

5. 50 Shades of Grey Is Basically Twilight – 50 Shades of Grey is basically the movie Twilight without the boring vampires and boring werewolves… but left the boring humans. Makes sense since I’ve always heard that the 50 Shades of Grey books were basically supposed to be Twilight sex fan fiction stories that somehow got turned into what we see today and when I saw the movie it made perfect sense to me with the comparisons. I remember trying to watch Twilight when it was on TV and I fell asleep after 30 minutes, so it was no surprised that I was struggling to stay away thought this 50 Shades movie… even the sex scenes was putting me to sleep.

I’m angry that this 50 Shades of Grey books/movie is a phenomenon now amongst the vanillas all over the world and it’s giving them the wrong idea of what BDSM really is all about. It’s more about whips and chains but it’s about getting together with the people and associates you love and can be vulnerable around without judgment. The next time I want to see a movie about BDSM I’ll watch American Pie 2 where Jason Biggs gets a flute shoved up his ass… and I’ll never pick anything other masturbation ever again.

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